Self Abandonment: When you leave yourself behind. By Donna Marie Holistic & Spiritual Wellbeing
Hello Lovelies
Self-abandonment doesn’t usually happen all at once. It’s quiet. Subtle. Often praised, even. It looks like being “easygoing,” “selfless,” or “low-maintenance.” It looks like saying yes when your body is screaming no. It looks like silencing your needs so others can feel comfortable.
And over time, it can leave you feeling disconnected, resentful, exhausted, and unsure of who you even are anymore.
What Is Self-Abandonment?
Self-abandonment is the act of repeatedly ignoring, dismissing, or betraying your own needs, feelings, boundaries, and values in order to gain approval, avoid conflict, or maintain relationships.
It often sounds like:
- “It’s fine, I don’t mind” (when you do)
- “I’ll deal with it later” (but later never comes)
- “I don’t want to be difficult”
- “Other people have it worse”
At its core, self-abandonment is choosing external safety over internal truth.
How Self-Abandonment Starts
Most of us don’t learn self-abandonment because we’re weak — we learn it because it once worked.
If you grew up in an environment where:
- Your emotions were dismissed or punished
- Love felt conditional
- You had to be “good,” quiet, or helpful to be accepted
- Conflict felt unsafe
…then abandoning yourself may have been a survival strategy.
When being authentic threatened connection, you learned to prioritise attachment over selfhood. And that makes sense. Especially for children.
The problem is when that survival strategy follows us into adulthood.
What Self-Abandonment Looks Like as an Adult
Self-abandonment can show up in many ways, including:
- Struggling to identify what you actually want
- Over-explaining or justifying your feelings
- Staying in relationships that drain or diminish you
- Feeling guilty for resting, asking for help, or setting boundaries
- Chronic people-pleasing
- Losing touch with your intuition
- Feeling invisible, even when surrounded by people
You might be “there” for everyone — while no one is really there for you. Including yourself.
The Cost of Abandoning Yourself
Over time, self-abandonment takes a toll. It can lead to:
- Burnout and emotional exhaustion
- Anxiety or depression
- Resentment toward others
- Low self-worth
- A deep sense of emptiness or numbness
When you repeatedly tell yourself — through your actions — that your needs don’t matter, your nervous system listens.
Coming Back to Yourself
Healing self-abandonment isn’t about becoming selfish or rigid. It’s about becoming self-loyal.
Here are a few gentle ways to start reconnecting:
1. Notice the moment you disappear
Pay attention to when you override yourself. Is it during conflict? When someone is disappointed? When you fear being rejected?
Awareness is the first act of return.
2. Practice checking in
Ask yourself regularly:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What do I need?
- What do I want — even if I don’t act on it?
You don’t have to fix anything immediately. Just listen.
3. Allow discomfort
Choosing yourself may create tension. Others may not like the new boundaries. That discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it means you’re doing something different.
4. Start small
Self-loyalty doesn’t require dramatic ultimatums. It can look like:
- Saying “let me think about it”
- Taking a break instead of pushing through
- Being honest about a preference
- Resting without justification
Small acts of self-honoring build trust with yourself.
You Are Worth Staying With
If you’ve spent years abandoning yourself, returning home can feel unfamiliar — even scary. But you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to do it consistently.
Every time you choose to listen to yourself, you send a powerful message:
I am worth my own care. I am worth my own presence.
And that’s not selfish.
That’s healing.
With Blessings ,
Donna Marie x
Holistic & Spiritual Wellbeing
(C) Copyright Donna Marie Holistic & Spiritual Wellbeing 2025